Blog 7-- Cordial [An excerpt on waiting...)

.Cordial.
I'm writing this more for myself, but who knows...maybe your eyes will catch a glimpse of it one day. It's early enough that the sun is still hidden, and my guess is that you haven't even met this day yet. I could try to introduce you, however, I myself have not grown too familiar with it yet. Although I must admit that it seems oddly similar to its predecessor.
It's lonely...
It's hoping...
It's distracted...
All induced simply by the unknown.
For if you had met, you would have stopped the sun from its setting, I'm sure. You would have chased away its night, kept it from retreating into solitude where it remains exempt from change.
For if you had met, although it'd have the same name, this day would be unlike any before, I'm sure.
It'd be whole...
It's be content...
It'd be steadfast...
All despite the unknown.
Oh, when will you meet this day? Oh, please dear, awake.
Until then, this day & I will remain, must remain... Cordial.

Blog 6-- Hello Ego

"Hello Ego, why it's a displeasure to meet you."

God leaves no room for my ego...and I'm glad.

As humans I know we are constantly fighting our flesh: Our flesh that needs a pat on the back.

Recently I feel that God has been giving me some awesome opportunities as far as worship leading, and it seems that there are so many things outside of my control that go wrong. I find myself feeling defeated afterward. The weird thing is though, each time I've gotten a lot of positive feedback...People saying a lot of uplifting things...And even a response that His presence was all over the time of worship.

Wait a minute! What?

What about that transition that we messed up?

Or what about the fact that one of my guitar strings broke?

Or what about the feedback that I had coming through my monitor?

Or the ipod music that didn't cut off at the right time for our set to begin?

So I guess what I'm saying is that God can still show up in spite all these faulterings. Hmm, what a concept! It's not about anything I'm doing up on that stage! It's about the position of the heart. The best part in all of this is that God could've still shown up if everything went completely smooth, but it didn't. There was no room for egos to come in and take credit. I love it!

Thank you God for showing me this. Yes, I will still strive for excellence, but that is not the determining factor of whether or not His presence is part of the worship experience.

He fills in our gaps.

Aren't you glad? I know I am.

Blog 5 -- O Little One

O Little One

Pain without measure

Hurt never earned

These questions why, fill my mind

Burdens beyond reason

Scars not justified

These questions why, fill my mind

O Little One, O Little One

Please know that He loves you

O Little One, O Little One

Please know that He adores you

He sprinkled the stars in the sky

Just to see them reflect in your eyes

O Little One, O Little One

Joy beyond measure

Smiles that radiate

These questions why, fill my mind

Hope surpassing reason

Love lavished without contain

These precious lives, fill me with new life

O Little One, O Little One

Please know that He loves you

O Little One, O Little One

Please know that He adores you

He sprinkled the stars in the sky

Just to see them reflect in your eyes

O Little One, O Little One

Jesus loves you, this I know

Because He told me so

O Little One, O Little One

To Him you belong

When you are weak

Know He is strong, He is strong

O Little One, O Little One
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(O Little One -- Video)

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OK, so I'm on a fundraising rampage! After God shook me up on Friday night and showed me, yet again, how He works the impossible to make it possible, I have a renewed passion to do everything I can to raise the money for the trip to Swaziland, Africa in May. I have to just keep doing whatever I can to give Him space to step in on my behalf. So this blog is another attempt to do so. Above are the lyrics to the song I wrote after I returned from my trip to Swaziland last year. It speaks all about what God revealed to me while I was there, and how the precious lives of these orphans impacted me immensely! It was actually really amazing how the song was written. When I got back to the States, I had major jet-lag & suffered a bit from culture-shock. I stayed in my room for about four days, excluding a few times I HAD to go somewhere. During this time I just was processing everything & I was journaling a lot. I think it was the second night of attempting to sleep, that I actually feel asleep. But, at 5am I was awoken with a lyric in my head. It was, "He sprinkled the stars in the sky, just to see them reflect in your eyes." I quickly grabbed my journal, grabbed my guitar, and within an hour had the complete song written. I knew it was a "God-song." I felt like He was revealing His heart to me for those children I met while I was there. (At the end of this blog I'll include a copy of the blog I wrote upon returning, as well. I think it just shows a more in depth look at everything I experienced.)

So...

I want to, I NEED to take this opportunity given to me to go back! I feel like God has sooo much more in store, and I have sooo much more to give! But I need your help, seriously.

I created a cause on facebook called: "Lindsey's Swaziland Send-Off." You can search for it & check it out for yourself. I created a PayPal account for everyone to use to DONATE to my trip. It makes it super easy & convenient for you. All donations are tax-deductible, and if an address is provided, a contribution statement will be mailed to you at the end of the year.

Please join with me in this cause! I will most definitely keep everyone in the loop on how it is going & will even send out an update when I get back from Swaziland in June of 2009.

Thank You!

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It Defined Me:

How do you explain something that is unexplainable? How do you describe something that is indescribable? Well this is my attempt to do just that.
My trip to Swaziland was far beyond anything I’d ever thought I’d experience in my life. Prior to the trip I tried to clear my mind of any expectations. I wanted to allow everything that happened to really soak in and not have to be compared to any pre-conceived ideas. From the very first day I could see how God was using this trip to completely blow my mind. I saw so many things that most people will never see; I experienced so many things that most people will never experience. And through it all I discovered the true definition of words we use so flippantly but don’t fully understand.
Beauty. Oh how I was overwhelmed by beauty; it swept me off my feet. The mountains, the waterfalls, the creatures, the sky, the stars, God’s creation couldn’t help but radiate His matchless splendor. We had a chance to go hiking one day up a mountain and gaze out at the scenery. Once we reached the top I found myself needing to seclude myself. I sat down and looked out at everything. It was breathtaking, and couldn’t help but sing praises to my Creator.
Joy. In the face of death, sickness, and extreme poverty I saw kids that were exuding a light that contradicted their circumstances. I had never seen such pure joy before. To me it seemed like that they lacked so much, but still they sang at the top of their lungs and they danced with such enthusiasm. Delight was in their eyes, and I was in awe at what I saw.
Love. God is Love. I thought I understood what love was, but a whole new dimension of this word was revealed to me during this trip and as a result, a whole new dimension of who God is. I experienced the selfless love that these missionaries from Children’s Cup had for these kids. It was so evident by their commitment and willingness to serve and do whatever was needed to help these kids. I experienced the love that each child was so eager to give away. They didn’t judge anyone; they just loved and embraced you without any agenda. It was so precious and refreshing. I also experienced real love between brothers and sisters in Christ. There was a group of interns from a church in Zimbabwe that came and met up with us halfway through the trip. We became one working body the instant we all met. It was a seamless unity the entire time and we each genuinely loved one another. It was as if we had known each other our entire lives. This was an amazing image God had given each of us from this experience—a small glimpse of what eternity in heaven will be like with one another.
Hope. In what seems to be a hopeless situation—a country with the highest percentage of AIDS, a generation of parentless children, and a people lacking basic needs to survive—I learned what hope was. When we rise up and begin to act, when we become Jesus’ hands and feet, when we stand in the gap no matter what the sacrifice, that is where hope is birthed. Children’s Cup has been the pioneer for standing in the gap to bring hope to this desperate generation, and they propelled me to do the same.
Before this trip I had never felt so satisfied before. Through everything I did, learned, and experienced, I was being used. I was answering my commission and from that came such an abundant amount of contentment. I found beauty, joy, love, and hope, but ultimately I found myself in all of it. It defined me.

Blog 4 -- When God Crossed His Arms

Ok... This post is going to be a little different from my previous ones, so bear with me.
Tonight I was listening to one of my favorite speakers, Pastor Judah Smith, from Generation Church. He did a message entitled, "When God Crossed His Arms." The title alone intrigued me. I'm going to attempt to share a synopsis of it as best I can, hopefully you'll be able to get something out of it.
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///Genesis 48///
Jacob, the father of Joseph, is close to dying so Joseph brings in his two sons, Manasseh & Ephraim, to be blessed by their grandfather. Now the custom is that the older son(Manasseh in this case) receive the "right-hand blessing." This blessing was the one with favor and double-portion. So when they go in to see Jacob, Joseph places Manasseh at his right hand and Ephraim at his left hand. When Jacob proceeds to give the blessing, he crosses his arms and places his hands on the opposite grandchild. Joseph attempts to make him realize, but the blessing is done. So what does this mean...?
Let me try to break it down. Manasseh was the deserving son by birth to receive the favor, and Ephraim was the undeserving son and could do nothing to change that. We are Ephraim. We are sinners and deserve death, but we have a Manasseh in Jesus who took on the judgment for us. So try to create this image in your head: God=Jacob and is supposed to bless the first-born and deserving child, Jesus=Manasseh, and We=Ephraim are undeserving of anything and we cannot change the fact that we were just born later (or wrong). But this is the key...GOD CROSSED HIS ARMS! Joseph's attempts to make his father realize that he was blessing the undeserving son, is like religion and the law today. It screams at us that we are unworthy and produce a people trying and trying to earn that double-portion blessing that has been given to them.
Now what was deserving to us, judgment & punishment, was placed on Jesus, and we receive all of his blessings instead! Woah. Seriously?
To take this a step further, Manasseh actually means forgotten & Ephraim means fruitful. So because of Manasseh our sins are forgotten and now we, as Ephraim, can be fruitful because of our blessing. We just need to realize that we need to forget our past in order to be fruitful; they go hand in hand. So we need to stop trying to get God to put His left hand on us because we think we are unworthy because of our past. We ARE unworthy, but because of God, we received it anyway!
Lastly I want to point of what this means to us. Ok, so if we have a Manasseh and now our sins are remembered NO MORE...God remembers nothing of our "undeserving past." So in His eyes today, we are completely deserving! Not only this, but when He thinks of us, which it says that His thoughts for us outnumber the sand, He thinks of only the good things because our past is erased! This is our confidence in God which we will not cast off, because from it are great rewards and fruitfulness.
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I really hope I captured the general idea in this blog, but feel free to LISTEN to his message for yourself (it is some super good stuff)!

Alright, I'm done for now...but remember to thank God for crossing His arms & we need to live as such! :)

~Lindz

Blog 3 -- Porcelain Heart

Porcelain Heart

Broken heart, One more time
Pick yourself up, Why even cry?
Broken pieces in your hands
Wonder how you'll make it whole

You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Someone said a broken heart
Would sting at first then make you stronger
You wonder why this pain remains
Were hearts made whole just to break?

You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

Creator, only You take brokenness
And create it into beauty once again

You know, you pray
This can't be the way
You cry, you say
Something's gotta change
And mend this porcelain heart of mine

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How do you get over loss?
How do you mend a broken heart?

These questions have been a big part of my thoughts recently. I know the answers, but when you are found in a situation of loss, these questions still have a way of creeping in. As mentioned in my last blog, my sister was having the symptoms of a miscarriage. After some tests it was confirmed that she lost the baby. It has been a hard few days for my family, and especially my sister. The questions crept in...

I know, I know...
I know He'll work it for good.

I know, I know...
I know it's for a reason.

I know, I know...
I know He's still in control.

I know, I know the normal "Christian Word Band-aids." Just sometimes that knowledge is better left unsaid. Sometimes healing doesn't come from trying to work it out logically in our carnal minds, but from crying out in your pain & distress & confusion & frustration. --There is a time to weep & a time to mourn.-- It's okay to be broken without explanation. Our part is to hold out our hands with all of the broken pieces of our porcelain hearts & know, sooner or later, He'll make it whole again.

Blog 2 -- In Every Season

The Desert Song

This is my prayer in the desert
When all that's within me feels dry
This is my prayer in the hunger and need
My God is the god who provides
This is my prayer in the fire
In weakness or trial or pain
There is a faith proved to more worth than gold
So refine me Lord through this flame

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

This is my prayer in the battle
When triumph is still on its way
I am a conqueror and co-heir with Christ
So firm on His promise I'll stand

I will bring praise, I will bring praise
No weapon formed against me shall remain
I will rejoice, I will declare
God is my victory and He is here

All of my life

In every season

You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

This is my prayer in the harvest
When favor and providence flow
I know I'm filled to be emptied again
The seed I've received, I will sow

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I'm sure it's obvious by now, that I speak in song. So I'll continue... Last weekend at Camden County, we played the above song, "The Desert Song" in our worship set. First of all, let me say that this has been a song that I've loved for a while now. Brooke Fraser is pretty close to being categorized as an infatuation of mine. Lyrically, vocally, and musically, the girl is setting new standards for female musicians in both the Christian and secular arenas. So, naturally I would like this song of hers. But beyond the initial bias, the song itself has been one that has been speaking to me a lot recently. It's time to get personal.

• My Desert: The finals days of this internship have heaped more load than I can handle. I have found myself "dehydrated" and in need of refreshing. I'm trying to look ahead and continue to forge, but the panting is becoming more and more audible--not only to myself but to others. I need you Lord to provide--time, strength, finances, productivity, and rejuvenation in You.

• My Fire: There are attacks that have been coming right and left towards my family. My mom is recovering from cancer and in the process a recent "scare" surfaced and has to be tested. My sister is 2 months pregnant and awaiting test results within the next week, regarding symptoms of a miscarriage. Lord, in these trials I pray we are refined and our faith in You is strengthened as we place our hope in You.

• My Battle: Building my confidence has been a constant battle of mine. I have come a long way and I know one day soon I will have the victory over it for good. While triumph is still on its way, Lord help me realize who I am in You--Your daughter & co-heir with Christ.

No matter what we are each facing, we will continue to praise God.
No attacks of the enemy will prosper over the Children of God.
We have already received the victory when Christ died on the cross for us and conquered death.
No matter how dry, hot, or painful a season may be---God is still God.
And that gives us reason enough to sing & praise His name!

This song really is my prayer.

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My Challenge & Response:
Be a true worshipper - That I can take all the pieces & fragments of my life--family, finances, school--bring them together, and aim them straight at God.

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Additional Info:
Check out this story of the co-writer of the song, Jill, about the response to her own loss during the recording of the song.

The Desert Song -- Story -- Click Here

Blog 1 -- "I've got my life in a suitcase...I'm ready to run, run away."

The lyrics speak for themselves & many times I find myself relating completely with them. At this point in my life I still haven't found myself in a place that is what I would consider "comfortable."

Still single...

Still seeking all the answers...

Still searching for my place in this world...

And yet the idea of finding this "comfortable" place isn't very comforting to me. I'm always worried that I'll find myself settled and, as a result, subdue the very cravings my soul has inside to find something more in this world. Every time a chapter in my life is coming to a close, such as my internship here at Celebration, I find myself in this same place. Fearful of becoming too settled, too comfortable, I begin entertaining thoughts to drastically change my life. Weird, huh?

Here are the thoughts floating through my head these final few months of this internship:

Should I move back with my family in Orlando?
Should I move to Tennessee and go to the music college there that I once looked into?
Should I go back to South Florida to continue my Master's of Architecture degree?
Or should I just stay here?

While I'm not sure of any of the answers to these questions at this point, I'll share what I feel God has been teaching me recently in this area of my life.

I'm currently experiencing the tension of living here on this earth and eternity. Of course my soul is craving more in this life... I am craving ETERNITY. And unless Jesus comes back right now, I'll continue living with these desires. The lyrics Brooke Fraser writes to a song of hers from the words of C.S. Lewis say it completely.

"If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here.
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I'll feel nude when to where I'm destined I'm compared."

So my goal is to never hush the cravings my soul has, but realize their root. Realize God has placed me here for such a time as this, and continue to thrive in what He has placed into my hands. I know He will "fill in the blanks" as this internship draws to a close. So until then I will unpack my suitcase...but ALWAYS be prepared to pack it back it up when He gives me "the nod."

Here I am Lord, your servant, I'm willing & available. Use me.

Lindz